Where did I go.....

My best friend shaly calls me today, with news that her cousin's nephew is dying in the hospital from cancer at the age of 18. He has battling this for about 7 to 8 years. She went to see him today because the doctors had to sedate him to drain his lungs. She went on to say that she got flash backs from seeing my daughter Nikole in the hospital and she broke down. She felt bad that she brought this memory back but she just needed to talk to me. The thing is that this is not a memory that anyone can bring up, it plays in my mind everyday from the minute I wake up from bed. The pain of seeing your child dying in front of you, or going through so much pain is something that you can never forget. I think about those times and I felt so alone. Like it was just me and her. Funny thing is that when people would ask about her their response will be "awww, I am so sorry Annie" what are they sorry for I used to ask. But the thing was no one asked how I was doing, no one came to sit next to me by her bed, no one called me if I was trying to kill myself. I met two girls that were around my age and their children was also sick, they meant the world to me because they felt my pain. We shared the same world. But no one else mattered. They did not see what I saw, they did not hold her while she was gasping for air as I ran and screamed for my mother and that I wasn't ready for her to die. I felt so much pain, and still do. Words could not describe what I feel. Yes I am angry, I would never understand why people did not support me. I would always say as I stood by her bed looking up to the ceiling, hearing in the background the beep of her heartbeat slowly stopping I died too. That Annie that was once there, died. I can't bring her back! I get judge for who I am today. But seriously, I could care less. My daughter Nikole was my world. She loved me from when she came into this world, without judgements, I was her mother! As I sit and write this I feel hallow inside, my heart feels like it stops to beat. Love is all I have today for my children, they love me when I say stop, no, and yell. They kiss me and hug me through out the day with out me asking. What more can you ask for. Their love keeps my heart beating everyday. I just wish that this time I die before my children, even though I wouldn't want them to feel that pain. As for the young boy who is struggling to live, I wish him no more pain and suffering. I only hope he lives pain free. Also I wish his parents strength and peace.