How can I began..... when first go to school we are scared of our parents leaving us with strangers and whole bunch of little children like us, wondering why is this being done to us.... The socialization begins to unfold, like yeah I want to play with her tomorrow. As you continue, you begin to have little crush on that boy or girl. You blush when they say can I play too, or even when the teacher sits you next to each other. This is when parents call it puppy love! Hey, it kept most of us excited to go to school the next day. As we get older, we begin to find ourselves seeking a boyfriend or girlfriend. Now, most of our parents do not discuss what this consist of, but trust me when I say there is always one or a couple of kids that know about this. The trend begins, its cool to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Come on for some of us this helps our insecurities that we develop when seeing other kids develop physically before us. Or when we look at our friends and say wow she is so much prettier than me, or look how she dresses what boy will like me??? I truly believe this era is what will make us who we are later in life. Some kids will have fun memories, sad memories, and some life changing memories. I myself during this time, entering the third grade was like wow this is scary, I am a big girl now. I was entering a whole new world. Those friends I had when I began my schooling was slowly fading, some stayed but I guess this is when we begin to grow as individuals and grow apart. Boys begin to like me, they would talk to me.... wow I am cool! I had this one friend who we was like glue. We would say I like that boy, oh he told me he likes you.... next couple of minutes we was dating that boy. We will switch boyfriends like it was a borrowed shirt. This isn't cool now, but hey at the time I felt it was lol. One of the boys I dated I have to say was so sweet to me. He made me feel he really liked me. I have to also say that he is the one I dated the longest. Never kissed, never touched. It was plainly he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. It was weird during this time we had a little click, as if we were in our world. No one else matter that was outside our click. There was this one kid that he was like the best friend anyone could have, his name was cisco. Can't really remember how we began our friendship, maybe through Jose "pito" the kid I dated because they was close. Now, he was the person that I could have gone and feel that he would be there for me no matter what, with no judgements. One of my best friends had a huge crush on him. He was so sweet, cute and funny. Always made all of us laugh. Many times I felt like he was my little angel who would always tell me the right things to do, when the peer pressure will try to consume me. Okay, Okay I didn't always listen to him..... but no matter what he did not give up. I guess this is why my friend liked him so much, couldn't blame her, right! We never spoke outside of school, just during school. My parents did not allow me to have guys call my house. Having a male friend was unheard of to them. Which made my social life kind of difficult. Well, our friendship still was strong, it was cool to have a guy friend. One lunch break, we were sitting by the entrance of the play-yard and the decision came up about me dating these guys. His concern was that I deserve to be treated well, and that I needed to do whatever makes me happy. This touch my heart, I never had anyone talk to me in this manner keep in mind we were in what the 5th grade. This is a moment I never forgot it plays so vividly in my mind. He went on to say that he would have love to be my boyfriend also, he knows he could treat me good. He then went on to say do you think this will get in the way of our friendship? During this time, I have grown this weird feeling that I did not understand too well. The butterflies in the stomach, the love to go to school, hating the summers because i wouldn't be able to see him. But he was my friend, could this be I asked myself. While I was sitting there listening to him, my heart began to beat differently. When he asked me this question I was so scared to answer wrong. I did not want to be rejected nor had the balls to say how I was feeling. What would our friends say, I dated his best friend, my best friend crushed him..... I just responded with I don't know what do you think? We sat there with a long pause, until he said well I think we should just stay as friends, I rather have you as a friend than loose you forever!..... my heart stopped, skipped a couple of beats. What was I suppose to do, I didn't even understand why I felt like this, I did not know what to say but yea you right, okay. Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away with my eyes full of tears trying to hold it in and my heart in pain. Later, we were selected to receive a medal and a $100 saving bond for doing so well in school. Now we was picked over everyone!!! I mean haters were all over us!! lol After that we graduated and never saw each other again.....I always felt empty inside. I would always tell my JHS friend how much he meant to me, and I would unconsciously look for a guy like him in school, as a friend or even someone to be with. I am 30 years old now, and he still in my memories. I always looked for him online but never had any luck, until recently that I saw this guy on facebook who had that name cisco and kinda look like him. I said let me ask, I asked a simple question did you go to P.S 206? he replied yes I did, when did you go. I then said we was really close, and described my first fight with my best friend. He then knew it was me. We quickly began to chat, and within our first conversation we spilled our guts out on our feelings for each other during that time. As we continued, we began to feel it all over again......... unreal! We spoke on the phone for the first time ever!!! I loved him sooo much during school. He was my "first love".... but..... now I have children, and I am married.....what should I do? is this just us feeling these feelings because we finally expressing them? or are we meant to be? are we suppose to choose all over again us or our friendship? We initially choose friendship and lost each other almost forever anyway! Was dating guys and being unstable in my marriage and always seeking more the cause of emptiness I have because of him? ...................All I can say for now is that only time will tell. I do know that I would never hold anything from him again, I do not want to loose him ever again. Our love for each other was real, not puppy love. Puppy love fades, our lingered through out our lives. I do not want to live with the unknown anymore!
2 comments:
LOL, when you ask that question "did you use to go to P.S. 206" i didnt know who it was. Once we kept talkin the more that strange feelin i had for you in school came back. I cant explain it but i love you so much in school and i made you a card and poem like in 4th grade. I cant believe you remember our conversation by the door of the cafeteria doors on the concrete seat. Lookin back now, that day was one of the hardest thing i had to do, to tell you that i didnt wanna be with you. I wanted to tell you that " you deserve better then those guys, someone can see what they have in front of him, a woman that is funny, smart, and beautiful. Call it weird but we was together almost every yr and we always chillin in school. The award ceremony was the weirdest thing, out of all the school, who won to get the Savin Bond and gifts. It was us, i was lookin for you so we can be seated next to each other, when they but us in a different row i was hurt. Afterward i wanted to hang out, just me and you, gettin something to eat. I think that night was the right time for me to tell you that i love you with my heart and soul. Yea we did had haters on us that very same day when we found out. I love every minute of it, guys comin up to me askin how come i got it, the girl with you. You was my first and i never look at another girl from 3rd grade to 6th. I just wish i had more of a guts to step up to the plate and ask you out. Im glad now we can back to each other. Its gotta mean something? Right....... Even now im in a relationship that isnt goin nowhere, all i think about is you, i cant explain the feel but i know this isnt puppy love. I LOVE YOU WOMAN AND IM NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU NOW. Remember that YOU always had my heart, now i want you to have my soul, i wanna grow old with you.
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