The Monster Inside

It scares me
I fear it
I wish it would go away
It comes after me at night
It is my nightmare I fight

I try to fight it but
It keeps coming back
I try to run away
But it catches me
If I let it take control
What might it grow to be

When I look in the mirror
It stares me in the face
It looks sad, lonely and
misplaced
I have to shut my eyes before
its too late
Its taken control of me
What have I become

Images drawn in front of me........

When you think you know the person, things happen to show you things that you may not know or give you incites of what you think you know but have no idea. I have mention about this guy in my prior blog who at one time meant a lot to me. Causing me to want to seek that person I used to be. On Halloween he was invited to my party. When I thought was going to be a good time and excited that he came down from Florida to spend time with me turned out to be a learning experience. During the party him and a good friend of mines began to mingle on a level of sexual behaviors. As I was drinking and having a blast, I was drunk but on a good level. I was aware of my surroundings. I was very aware of their behaviors. I have to also mention that I had approach them prior to this about this again. Funny thing is that someone had warn me not to bring them around each other especially if there is alcohol involved but I give them trust and blew that suggestion out the window. I guess I should have listened right! But anyway, everyone in the party was aware. Some knew my situation with this guy and some did not. Those who knew was disgusted with the behavior as it was being done in my face and home. Those who did not know felt that he was taking advantage of her or she would regret it later. There are pictures of this as well. As I approach them both at the same time, the denying began. The blame game began. At the end.... my point of writing this blog is to say that he turned out to say that he just did it because he was upset with me because I was not giving him attention. But in reality the idiot did not notice that I knew what was going on and I did not care to. He would speak of her in a mean way to others to make them think he was not doing anything basically blaming her 100%. When everyone just looked at him with thoughts of "are you serious? are you stupid?" but I just could not just ignore it any longer and just express myself.
I can honestly say that you just never know right... but with him all I can say is that I was already not feeling the same emotions that arouse when he came back into my life. He is still not mature. He is not built for me. His views of life are not fully realistic. He also mention my daughter's death which I will not get into in this blog. I am glad that I don't have him play an important role in my life. I can say I am not down with this situation but bothered. But I am over him completely. As for her.... I can say that it is sad that she will allow such behavior even through the influence of alcohol, but as weird as it may sound to some I do have mad love for her. Only hope that she learns from her mistakes and hopefully never happen again that can cause us to loose what we have today. That will really hurt me. So to Mr. Ortiz good bye and so long.... you once had my heart. But remember that heart was different then what I have now... Your hands isn't big enough. Thanks for the attempt though....

Where did I go.....

My best friend shaly calls me today, with news that her cousin's nephew is dying in the hospital from cancer at the age of 18. He has battling this for about 7 to 8 years. She went to see him today because the doctors had to sedate him to drain his lungs. She went on to say that she got flash backs from seeing my daughter Nikole in the hospital and she broke down. She felt bad that she brought this memory back but she just needed to talk to me. The thing is that this is not a memory that anyone can bring up, it plays in my mind everyday from the minute I wake up from bed. The pain of seeing your child dying in front of you, or going through so much pain is something that you can never forget. I think about those times and I felt so alone. Like it was just me and her. Funny thing is that when people would ask about her their response will be "awww, I am so sorry Annie" what are they sorry for I used to ask. But the thing was no one asked how I was doing, no one came to sit next to me by her bed, no one called me if I was trying to kill myself. I met two girls that were around my age and their children was also sick, they meant the world to me because they felt my pain. We shared the same world. But no one else mattered. They did not see what I saw, they did not hold her while she was gasping for air as I ran and screamed for my mother and that I wasn't ready for her to die. I felt so much pain, and still do. Words could not describe what I feel. Yes I am angry, I would never understand why people did not support me. I would always say as I stood by her bed looking up to the ceiling, hearing in the background the beep of her heartbeat slowly stopping I died too. That Annie that was once there, died. I can't bring her back! I get judge for who I am today. But seriously, I could care less. My daughter Nikole was my world. She loved me from when she came into this world, without judgements, I was her mother! As I sit and write this I feel hallow inside, my heart feels like it stops to beat. Love is all I have today for my children, they love me when I say stop, no, and yell. They kiss me and hug me through out the day with out me asking. What more can you ask for. Their love keeps my heart beating everyday. I just wish that this time I die before my children, even though I wouldn't want them to feel that pain. As for the young boy who is struggling to live, I wish him no more pain and suffering. I only hope he lives pain free. Also I wish his parents strength and peace.

Broken Heart

When your a little girl, you will receive your first baby doll. You are shown that girls play with dolls, play the mommy role. Later on, depending on your culture you are raised to believe that a women role is to be a mother and a wife. Every little girl dreams about her wedding day, you know the cliche white dress, the very known wedding sounds as she walks down the aisle. But what every girl never dreams about is the problems that can occur after that beautiful day passes. No one preps us on the how to deal with issues as they happen. Many times before you step foot into a marriage we witness things with our own parents and their marriage. Some of our mothers are very submissive to their husbands, some mothers deal with abuse, parents at times stay in this nightmare who they originally believed once was a beautiful dream. As children we see these actions and grow up thinking; I do not want to become my mother/father, I will never let a man/women do that to me, If I am unhappy I will just leave. Again, those are just thoughts. There are some stronger than others. As I got older, I fell deeply in love with a guy from HS. This was something that everyone felt was beautiful "awwww, you are High School Sweethearts". I felt like this is the guy for me, why not there was no one else. What I did not understand during this time was that not only that I wasn't feeling loved at home nor accepted, my friends had a guy who they loved and loved them. Who was going to love me? He did. So yeah I saw myself with him forever. No guy in the street mattered, money, cars, job, attraction did not matter. He loved me when no one did. So why wouldn't I see myself with him forever. As our relationship continued, that beautiful dream I once step into, became a nightmare. One day coming home from work, I walked into my apartment and felt a sense of emptiness and found a letter on my table. He stated that he had love for me but was not in love with me. This was such a heartbreaking letter. I felt like my world was falling apart, why? this is was a nightmare. Again, who was going to love me? My friends support helped me cope with the loneliness and the crying nights. I got over it, I began to find myself again. I begin to like my freedom. He would still be around as needed, but someone else came into the picture who I once thought he was my prince charming who swept me off my feet. I liked the way things were. When I responded to his "I love you" it felt like awww he loves me, I love you too. But it was not a strong love like I once had. But hey someone was loving me. I have to say I depended on that which now I see that was my down fall. The day before my marriage I felt something was wrong, this was something I did not want to do. I did not feel complete. Things ran through my head, like omg I will have a hard life. But because my mother pleaded me to not hurt him because he loved me, I went through with it. And boy I prayed for my ex even though he wasn't good for me I wanted him to walk into my wedding and save me. But that never happened. As years of stupidity, anger, hate, lack of loyalty made me who I am today. I don't depend on someone to love me but I am addicted to the comfort of having him here. If he loves me is not the issue, is more of the comfort of him here. Which angers me everyday I think about it. I feel like I was sucked into this addiction. Like when a person takes that first high of their drug of choice. All the pain that I had in the pass, he made me forget. Even though he caused me pain, but it wasn't the same pain I endured in the pass. Everyone says Annie you are so strong. Little do they know that I am a mess. I hate who I have become. Maybe this is why I can't get up and leave him, because I am scared of the pain that will come with it and the other pain that I suppressed because of him. My father, my mother, my ex, my daughter dying.........how can I deal? Sometimes I wonder if I will brake! I am 30 years old and I feel like most of my life consist of pain, so why would I be scared to feel it again? I don't know. These pains that i dread feels like I will be facing my death. People say I am afraid of dying, well i am afraid to feel. It is so much easier not to care than to care. I read a story in school that was interesting, it was called "The hour" and it tells a story of a women who is married and finds out that her husband dies in a train wreck, and she feels sadness which leads to her feeling "free, Independence, happiness". She begins to reflect how her life would have been, how life will be after this day. Then a door bell rings and its her husband who was ALIVE! This is when she died! So the story is there to tell us that she died of a broken heart. I guess I see myself relating to this story because I feel like I am slowly dying of a broken heart.

Kidney pain, Kidney pain go away find someone else to give the pain!

Being sick is a very stressful thing to be. Within the past month or so I been so sick with a kidney infection. Its unknown still what is causing this continuous pain. I am so tired of being sick, waking up feeling weak, having to struggle to do things. I can honestly say I am emotionally tired, physically tired. I have struggle through out my life. From loosing a good friend and love, being sexually abuse, becoming insecure with my body and trying to find my independence then falling in love with guy I gave the world and got burses and verbal abuse in return, after getting married, pregnant and having my first child die when she was 7 months old. I mean I can continue..... Staying strong and wanting to continue to live is such a struggle everyday. Now being sick on top of this makes it harder. I wish this sickness ends soon. I can only wish I can wake up and not be sick or tired. When is my next vacation!!!!!!!!!

Memories who takes over me..........

How can I began..... when first go to school we are scared of our parents leaving us with strangers and whole bunch of little children like us, wondering why is this being done to us.... The socialization begins to unfold, like yeah I want to play with her tomorrow. As you continue, you begin to have little crush on that boy or girl. You blush when they say can I play too, or even when the teacher sits you next to each other. This is when parents call it puppy love! Hey, it kept most of us excited to go to school the next day. As we get older, we begin to find ourselves seeking a boyfriend or girlfriend. Now, most of our parents do not discuss what this consist of, but trust me when I say there is always one or a couple of kids that know about this. The trend begins, its cool to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Come on for some of us this helps our insecurities that we develop when seeing other kids develop physically before us. Or when we look at our friends and say wow she is so much prettier than me, or look how she dresses what boy will like me??? I truly believe this era is what will make us who we are later in life. Some kids will have fun memories, sad memories, and some life changing memories. I myself during this time, entering the third grade was like wow this is scary, I am a big girl now. I was entering a whole new world. Those friends I had when I began my schooling was slowly fading, some stayed but I guess this is when we begin to grow as individuals and grow apart. Boys begin to like me, they would talk to me.... wow I am cool! I had this one friend who we was like glue. We would say I like that boy, oh he told me he likes you.... next couple of minutes we was dating that boy. We will switch boyfriends like it was a borrowed shirt. This isn't cool now, but hey at the time I felt it was lol. One of the boys I dated I have to say was so sweet to me. He made me feel he really liked me. I have to also say that he is the one I dated the longest. Never kissed, never touched. It was plainly he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. It was weird during this time we had a little click, as if we were in our world. No one else matter that was outside our click. There was this one kid that he was like the best friend anyone could have, his name was cisco. Can't really remember how we began our friendship, maybe through Jose "pito" the kid I dated because they was close. Now, he was the person that I could have gone and feel that he would be there for me no matter what, with no judgements. One of my best friends had a huge crush on him. He was so sweet, cute and funny. Always made all of us laugh. Many times I felt like he was my little angel who would always tell me the right things to do, when the peer pressure will try to consume me. Okay, Okay I didn't always listen to him..... but no matter what he did not give up. I guess this is why my friend liked him so much, couldn't blame her, right! We never spoke outside of school, just during school. My parents did not allow me to have guys call my house. Having a male friend was unheard of to them. Which made my social life kind of difficult. Well, our friendship still was strong, it was cool to have a guy friend. One lunch break, we were sitting by the entrance of the play-yard and the decision came up about me dating these guys. His concern was that I deserve to be treated well, and that I needed to do whatever makes me happy. This touch my heart, I never had anyone talk to me in this manner keep in mind we were in what the 5th grade. This is a moment I never forgot it plays so vividly in my mind. He went on to say that he would have love to be my boyfriend also, he knows he could treat me good. He then went on to say do you think this will get in the way of our friendship? During this time, I have grown this weird feeling that I did not understand too well. The butterflies in the stomach, the love to go to school, hating the summers because i wouldn't be able to see him. But he was my friend, could this be I asked myself. While I was sitting there listening to him, my heart began to beat differently. When he asked me this question I was so scared to answer wrong. I did not want to be rejected nor had the balls to say how I was feeling. What would our friends say, I dated his best friend, my best friend crushed him..... I just responded with I don't know what do you think? We sat there with a long pause, until he said well I think we should just stay as friends, I rather have you as a friend than loose you forever!..... my heart stopped, skipped a couple of beats. What was I suppose to do, I didn't even understand why I felt like this, I did not know what to say but yea you right, okay. Then I gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked away with my eyes full of tears trying to hold it in and my heart in pain. Later, we were selected to receive a medal and a $100 saving bond for doing so well in school. Now we was picked over everyone!!! I mean haters were all over us!! lol After that we graduated and never saw each other again.....I always felt empty inside. I would always tell my JHS friend how much he meant to me, and I would unconsciously look for a guy like him in school, as a friend or even someone to be with. I am 30 years old now, and he still in my memories. I always looked for him online but never had any luck, until recently that I saw this guy on facebook who had that name cisco and kinda look like him. I said let me ask, I asked a simple question did you go to P.S 206? he replied yes I did, when did you go. I then said we was really close, and described my first fight with my best friend. He then knew it was me. We quickly began to chat, and within our first conversation we spilled our guts out on our feelings for each other during that time. As we continued, we began to feel it all over again......... unreal! We spoke on the phone for the first time ever!!! I loved him sooo much during school. He was my "first love".... but..... now I have children, and I am married.....what should I do? is this just us feeling these feelings because we finally expressing them? or are we meant to be? are we suppose to choose all over again us or our friendship? We initially choose friendship and lost each other almost forever anyway! Was dating guys and being unstable in my marriage and always seeking more the cause of emptiness I have because of him? ...................All I can say for now is that only time will tell. I do know that I would never hold anything from him again, I do not want to loose him ever again. Our love for each other was real, not puppy love. Puppy love fades, our lingered through out our lives. I do not want to live with the unknown anymore!

Catch up......

Well Bloggers, I am back! I had a blog a couple of months ago, but decided to delete it. I was so consumed with school that I didn't blog much. But in any event I am back. Let me do a little catch up! Well, I am still in school working on the BA in Psychology and loving it! okay okay I hate it sometimes. I chose to go to summer and OMG it was hard. I never thought I would have ever been able to do 3 papers in a week in a half and take exams and yea one presentation! YES! I did do it! Also while I was sick as well. I have to say this has been one of my hardest summers ever. My job was stressing me out, school was kicking my ass. And what else, my kidney's get infected to the point that I felt I was going to die with the pain I had. I am still actually going through some of the pain still. Doctors are still testing to see what is causing this infection. I was layed off from work which I have to say I am excited for because I need the time off and I can get paid weekly guaranteed!! unemployment is the shit! lol Let me see what else can i say...... oh yea my brother is getting married this coming summer in July in puerto rico. I also went to puerto rico this year to possibly save my married that was at the end I would say. It was a family trip. Did it save it you may ask? well I can only say that it got better. Did things change? ehhh a little bit, is it enough I don't know. A trip is not going to erase my memories and emptyness I feel inside. The weird thing is when you ask a person who is married do you see yourself with that person forever? Most people say I do, he or she is my soul mate. I usually answer, I don't. I say when will we seperate? Why don't I leave.... well thats a whole other blog. Well I think that is about it for now.