The Monster Inside

It scares me
I fear it
I wish it would go away
It comes after me at night
It is my nightmare I fight

I try to fight it but
It keeps coming back
I try to run away
But it catches me
If I let it take control
What might it grow to be

When I look in the mirror
It stares me in the face
It looks sad, lonely and
misplaced
I have to shut my eyes before
its too late
Its taken control of me
What have I become

Images drawn in front of me........

When you think you know the person, things happen to show you things that you may not know or give you incites of what you think you know but have no idea. I have mention about this guy in my prior blog who at one time meant a lot to me. Causing me to want to seek that person I used to be. On Halloween he was invited to my party. When I thought was going to be a good time and excited that he came down from Florida to spend time with me turned out to be a learning experience. During the party him and a good friend of mines began to mingle on a level of sexual behaviors. As I was drinking and having a blast, I was drunk but on a good level. I was aware of my surroundings. I was very aware of their behaviors. I have to also mention that I had approach them prior to this about this again. Funny thing is that someone had warn me not to bring them around each other especially if there is alcohol involved but I give them trust and blew that suggestion out the window. I guess I should have listened right! But anyway, everyone in the party was aware. Some knew my situation with this guy and some did not. Those who knew was disgusted with the behavior as it was being done in my face and home. Those who did not know felt that he was taking advantage of her or she would regret it later. There are pictures of this as well. As I approach them both at the same time, the denying began. The blame game began. At the end.... my point of writing this blog is to say that he turned out to say that he just did it because he was upset with me because I was not giving him attention. But in reality the idiot did not notice that I knew what was going on and I did not care to. He would speak of her in a mean way to others to make them think he was not doing anything basically blaming her 100%. When everyone just looked at him with thoughts of "are you serious? are you stupid?" but I just could not just ignore it any longer and just express myself.
I can honestly say that you just never know right... but with him all I can say is that I was already not feeling the same emotions that arouse when he came back into my life. He is still not mature. He is not built for me. His views of life are not fully realistic. He also mention my daughter's death which I will not get into in this blog. I am glad that I don't have him play an important role in my life. I can say I am not down with this situation but bothered. But I am over him completely. As for her.... I can say that it is sad that she will allow such behavior even through the influence of alcohol, but as weird as it may sound to some I do have mad love for her. Only hope that she learns from her mistakes and hopefully never happen again that can cause us to loose what we have today. That will really hurt me. So to Mr. Ortiz good bye and so long.... you once had my heart. But remember that heart was different then what I have now... Your hands isn't big enough. Thanks for the attempt though....